I think as much as I like the idea of finding my soulmate and my one true love - to talk to, to travel with, to share music and attend concerts with, to explore places with, to eat with, to watch movies/tv shows with, to lean on, to hug me when I'm sad or scared or whenever I need a hug - yuxxxxxxx I could never have a boyfriend or be in a relationship. "Please God, don't make me fall in love and want to do disgusting things". No matter how much I pine and whine about being forever alone, and as much as I hate to admit this, I guess my head (or maybe my heart) still tells me that soulmates and true loves and love at first sight are stuff of movies, ideals I dream up in my head. Or maybe it's just the fact that I've internalised this "forever alone" thing, believing myself to be too weird and too different such that no one could ever be like me or be able to connect with me.

But I think the main reason why I could never be in a relationship with anyone is because of all my sense of unworthiness. Ack, I'm so broken and I've been carefully piecing myself back together externally and I'm so untrusting of people that I could never let anyone get close to me and find out all my brokenness, the things I've tried to hide. It's like I've been wearing a mask for so long to hide my ugly face and anyone who comes close, close enough to remove my mask will discover all the ugliness and charred pieces that make up the real me under my exterior. Said person who's discovered my true self would run off screaming, leaving me more heartbroken and therefore to protect myself I push people away and never let them get close to me. It's the same for friends though. But the idea of boys and boyfriends is worse. Yuxxxxxx, boys. Also, I never want to have kids, no matter how much I dream of the perfect wedding in the Caribbean and a honeymoon in the lovely Grecian islands. What a joke, the only reasons I think up these dreams is because I want to travel and I'm a romantic. But boyfriends and marriage and children yuxxxxxxxxx.

All I wanna do is be a hippie and travel the world with my hippie troupe. No strings attached there. Peace out. (Recent events have traumatised me. Deep down, I am still searching for my soulmate and my true love. Which might only exist in fiction eg. JGL in 500 Days of Summer)

12:34 AM;